May 10, 2010

Holy S.  It came back tonight.  Not okay. 

All these “things” come pouring out of Mom and I wonder… How many more of them are there?  And will any of them try to hurt us?

But that’s what booze is for.  And “Real Housewives”.

May 9, 2010

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about Gene Stuart.  And I wonder… was he just here?  I wouldn’t put it past him.

May 5, 2010

My grandparents just told me they want to take me on a cruise for my birthday.  I’m the luckiest girl in the world.  Seven days on the high seas with a boatload of old people and a one-man show starring the only surviving “Pip”. 

Instead, I’m going to ask my Grandma to stab me in the belly and play jump-rope with my entrails. 

May 3, 2010

I’m glad I kicked school early.  The only thing I miss are those awesome burritos the served at lunchtime filled with Spanish rice and wet newspapers. 

I don’t know what I’m gonna do with my life, but school tweren’t helping.

May 2, 2010

Uch.  There’s nothing worse than having a cold in Kansas.  Except maybe…  Herpes in Hoboken?  Or Cancer in Cleveland?  Dysentery in Decatur?  Anal Fissures in Anaheim? 

Okay… I’m out of alliterations.  Seriously.  Colds in Kansas are the worst.

Apr 27, 2010

Mom’s been better lately.  Which is usually a bad sign.  But I’m gonna choose to look at it as a good thing. 

Maybe I’ll see if she wants to go mani/pedi today. 

Forget it.  Someone just put on a Merle Haggard CD.  That can only mean one thing. 

Apr 22, 2010

Went to the lamest shindig with my generally cool Aunt.  She wore a paper party hat, blew into a plastic thingy-ma-bob, then went home with me.  Undrunk. 

We watched a Jersey Shore marathon, then fell asleep on the couch. 

I’m afraid I just saw my future. 

Apr 21, 2010

Met a fine bloke at Mickey D’s today.  I was gonna give him my number, but then I thought: “Why are you at Mickey D’s?”  And then I thought, “Wait… what am I doing at Mickey D’s?”  So I left.

Didn’t matter.  He had little tiny baby feet.  And he was wearing itty-bitty red cowboy boots.  Weird.

Apr 20, 2010

Buck came out the other day.  How many girls can say they’ve walked in on their mom peeing while standing up? 

I wanted to be proud.  Really I did. 

Apr 19, 2010

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